Change And Growth

There are many reasons why I've been away from the blog so long, and I don't see any of them as excuses, per say. None of our lives are simple and uncomplicated, and sometimes, priorities rear their heads and something has to give.
In my case, that was the blog.
But for the past few weeks, I've felt a nagging feeling drawing me back...so here I am.

I don't make resolutions so much as set goals, and the beginning of this year was no exception. I'm determined to sell two short stories this year. This sounds simple, and I only wish it were. But it seems that what I write cannot be easily classified. At first, I thought it was lesbian fiction. But what I write is more than that. My favoured pieces of my own creation seem to lean toward the 'speculative fiction' genre, but upon careful study of the markets, what I write is not dark enough for the paying spec fic markets. Apparently dark and demented sells.

Something else that I've been working on is building my platform. The non-writers among you are likely scratching your heads in puzzlement. Essentially, platform is a way of getting an author's name out into the world and building a following in a (hopefully) authentic way. This takes time. Even more so when the novel isn't finished yet! So I've been learning, researching and trying to build my platform one brick at a time.

At the same time, I've been knitting. Some of you may remember that I enjoy knitting socks. I enjoy the peaceful repetition of the cuff and leg, and the challenge of turning the heel. The whole process allows me some sort of creative space to mentally work out plot lines and character flaws. So no matter what my writing is doing, I'm still being creative. And even if I don't write a word for days, my characters are never far from my thoughts.

I've also been dealing with a medical issue. It's not life-threatening, but it will be life-changing, if only for a little while. I'll talk more about it another time, but I will tell you that pain is far more crippling than I thought. Honestly, pain is a bitch. The good part of this medical stuff though, is that it's made me aware of my own limitations, which has in turn, prompted growth and change in our youngest. In a good way.

I guess the take away of this post is that everything in life can either hinder us, or help us. It's a lesson I've had to learn over the past few weeks, and while I used to say I hated change, I can honestly say that the Universe doesn't care what I like or not.
Change is inevitable, and all we can do is react to it in a way that we hopefully come out the other side as better people. 

With Change Comes Growth

"Holding on to something that is good for you now, may be the very reason you don't have something better."
C. JoyBell C.


It's Christmas Eve here, and more than likely my last post of the year. Although that's not set in stone either.
I know that sounds a bit vague, but, honestly it's not like I post regularly.
I'd like to change that in the new year.

Anyway, it's been a hell of a year.
We nearly lost my mother to a heart attack, and even after she spent a month in a hospital over 3 hours away, it was a long road back for her.  Although we had moved from Southern Ontario to live with and take care of my parents, sometimes the Universe has other ideas. (I type this as I sit in our own home, albeit rented, on the other side of our little community.) But it has been positive. My mother is now recovered from her heart issues, is now stronger I think, has lost more weight than even she was expecting and looks firmly engaged in life once more.
Now if I could only engage her in the community again, I'd be happy.

Our eldest son has decided he might like being a grown-up, pursued college and a local part-time job at the ski resort. Our youngest son has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and that's a good thing too, but a whole 'nother post entirely.

Our old-man dog has recovered his health as well. Last year at this time, neither my partner or I thought he would be with us this Christmas. Since moving, he has gained weight, walks more, limps less, actually tries to play with us and his step-brother and is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Not bad for a 13 year old Chihuahua!

My writing has moved along as well with the writing and publication of two more short stories. I wish I could say it was more, but on the bright side, two is better than none.

There's been a lot of positives over the past year. A lot of growth, self-reflection  and forward movement by those around me.
I like to think I've grown too. I'm certainly older, and feeling it.

Another Christmas is upon us, and I hope the past year has been a good one for you. Or at the very least, not too painful.
I hope you've grown in some way.

Look upon the next year as one filled with potential. Make a list of what you might like to do, and start considering which look the most likely.
It's time for me to do the same. In my writing, knitting and personally.

Merry Christmas, my friends.
Until next time...

Brilliant Achievements Take Planning

"If there is no dull and determined effort, there will be no brilliant achievement."
Hsun-Tzu

When I read these words the other day, I felt my blood chill. Honestly! I used to think that line "their blood ran cold" was a load of crap. I found out otherwise.
Anyway, I spent the rest of the day thinking about that quote. I think it can apply to a lot in life, and I think every procrastinator like me can take it to heart. It can apply to writing, to becoming more self-sufficient, to crafts like knitting or clay-work, homework or...anything really.

I've been reading "The Shy Writer Re-Born" by C. Hope Clark, and I've found her inspiring as well. She gives solid advice, and because she is an introvert like me, I tend to pay more attention when she assures me that I really can lay down a plan for success in my writing. If she can do it, so can I.

If I can do it, brave ahead despite my self doubt and negative crap, you can do it too. Doesn't matter what it is, if it's something you believe in, you can do it.
I'm talking reasonable dreams here.
Ask yourself these things:

• What do I want to be doing six months from now? A year? Two years?
• What needs to happen to achieve my six month goal?
• Do I need someone else's help? How do I get that? Where do I have to go?
• What can I do today or tomorrow to be one step closer to that goal?

I remember years ago, someone I trusted asked me what I wanted to be doing in five years time. I answered her with "I want to be a writer."  She asked me, "What do you need to have that happen?"

Well, I don't remember my answer all these years later, but whatever plan I came up with didn't stick. At the time, I was distracted by a custody case, family court and an ever-tumultuous life. I wish now I could have stuck with it, but I wasn't ready. So I came to my goal late, but I did eventually acquire my goal. I got a book published, my life settled down, I got a couple of articles published, I won custody of my boys, I wrote stories about a young dragon that I loved, and so did my boys.

My point here is that whatever it is, you can do it.

If J.K Rowling can write about a world of wizards, Hippogriffs, magical plants and evil magic while on a fixed income with a baby ... you can figure out what you want from life and work out a plan to get it!

Deer Flies, Moose and Sex

My name is Carolyn, and I'm an author.
Who took a very long break.
Okay, now that my AA-type moment is over, let me explain.
Many years ago, I wrote a book, A Thousand Shades of Feeling. I had a publisher and a contract, and when I finally held the book in my hands, I was ecstatic! I wanted to tell everyone I saw, whether I knew them or not. But I couldn't. I didn't dare, because, I thought, what if they actually want to read it and they find out it has, gasp, lesbians in it? Even worse, what would they say when they come across the sex scenes? (Even though those scenes were very tame by today's standards) So there I was, a published author who was terrified to trumpet the news, out of fear.

At the time, I hadn't come out to my family. (I am very out now!) As much as I loved my book, my story and my characters, I wasn't sure I could face the world that actually knew me. To make matters worse, my then-publisher had issues with their printer, finances and a host of other problems I won't go into. I now know they were in over their heads. My manuscript had been edited many times over, but none of those edits made it into the finished book. My print-baby came into the world looking unpolished, falling apart and so very amateur that in time, I began to be embarrassed by it. And yet, I still loved the story. Despite it's flaws, the book drew a readership and fans. I remember going to a bookstore  and signing copies, and I still scratch my head over a woman who gushed and raved over the book. She asked if I would allow her friend to take our picture together, and I remember blushing fiercely as I agreed. While I still marvel at her unbridled enthusiasm all those years ago, her memory has encouraged me through the years, whether she knows it or not. The book lived through two print runs, although I don't remember making more than $150.00 in royalties. In time, the book died, the publisher closed their doors and I chalked it all up to a bad experience.

When my eldest son was very small, I left his father. We didn't have a lot of money, but we lived some interesting experiences! I have always loved dragons, and being a storyteller by nature, I would tell him tales of a young dragon to keep us both entertained. It was always the same dragon, Frizzle. (That's Frizzle up and to the left, as a part of my writer's group logo) Frizzle lived an interesting life, and I was constantly challenged to come up with new tales, but of course, as a parent, I wanted the tales to have a lesson. In time, we collected a few Frizzle stories. One of them was published, and I continue to be very proud of my Frizzle stories.
The last piece of my writing that saw publication was an article that my partner and I co-wrote on Cambridge, Ontario. It, along with accompanying photos,  was published in a magazine that was short-lived and very few people saw. We may likely have the only remaining copy.
For many years, the sting from A Thousand Shades of Feeling prevented me from writing anything else seriously. I struggle to remain impartial about it all these days, but I'll admit, it does still bother me. Not because of the lost royalties, but because of the legacy it left behind. Much like a persistent, horrible aftertaste.

For a long time I grappled with the big question, should I breathe new life into it, make it the diamond I know it can be and seek out a new publisher? In time, and with a ton of support from my partner, I decided against it. I'm not sure I can adequately explain why.

I have been writing a new novel these past few months, and it feels very much like a new beginning for me. Yes, there are lesbian characters in this one. (I am a lesbian after all, and writers should write what they know!) There are sex scenes in this one too, and they are not the polite fade-to-grey ones I wrote before! The story is more multi-layered, the characters far more real and gritty and flawed than my others. These ladies breathe. I love this story. I hear April and Lani in my head at night, while I do the dishes and while I stand over the grill. They're very insistent that I get their story just right. Someone once said that writing is a passion driven by the voices we hear in our head. I know that's true in my case at least!

So yes, I am an author who has taken a very long break.
I am on a new ride, I am very much a new person.
One who still hears character's voices, but one who does not worry about sex scenes or other people's judgements.
One who can bring back Frizzle and write the very next day about romance between women.
One who sees a story in the moose that stands across the road and comes up with titles while swatting deer flies.